“Sometimes this happens,” said the Director. Sometimes they make other arrangements; sometimes they change agencies; sometimes they change their minds. It was so early that we didn’t have that much vested. I think we were disappointed but it palled in comparison to other disappointments we have lived through. Then suddenly she reappeared. In fact she hadn’t really disappeared at all. There was some mix up, somebody didn’t tell somebody, somebody forgot a prior engagement, somebody did or didn’t do something, or something like that. The arrangements were made to meet again.
We waited to hear. The appointment time and then the day passed with no word. After dinner we read the little one his customary three books then he was bunked for the night. As we stood in the kitchen pondering the phone call we were about to make, the phone rang.
On speaker phone we exchanged pleasantries with the Director before he began to tell us the news. After seeing our book, the mom made it clear that she wanted us to adopt her child. There was a great deal of certainty about the whole thing. As he talked about the meeting, he seemed a little incredulous about her resolve, both parents in fact. I think he felt it necessary to caution us, that sometimes even the surest things in the process don’t work out. I wondered if it all seemed a little too easy to the Director. Did he see some gleam of promise in our eyes, some sense that we too easily might be seduced into this false notion of certainty? He spent a long time articulating the potential problems that could arise. We knew—we knew them all; we continue to face the shifting sands of the foster care system. If anyone understands the unpredictability of human nature, it is Darrow and I.
Afterwards we looked at each other. I think I sort of shrugged my shoulders. It all seemed sort of transactional. I don’t know what I thought this moment would be like—the matching with the birth mother day—but it certainly wasn’t supposed to be like this. I remember reading through her questionnaire and realizing that this, if it were to happen would be a totally closed adoption—no meeting, no photos, no contact whatsoever. I had always thought that that was what I wanted. With all of the complexities of adoption, it seemed like it might make our lives simpler. But now it felt like I was losing something in the deal. I wanted to meet the mother of the child we would be raising. I wondered if it might help me to understand her and to tell her child one day a little about her.
But these were the conditions upon which we agreed. We are now matched and have our marching orders from the Director—get the home study done. Somehow I thought there would be more—more time, more interaction, more of the something that would make it seem like we are about to have a baby. But I suppose that is to come. For now we wait.
17 comments
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September 23, 2009 at 7:59 am
gina
I’ve been following your blog since Babble and just wanted to say CONGRATS! I can’t wait to follow you through this new wonderful time in your life. Please do keep us updated. (like you have nothing to do but write, right?)
September 23, 2009 at 10:24 am
Yondalla
Do you ever read “This Woman’s Work?” (http://www.thiswomanswork.com/) It is an adoption blog worth checking out. She is raising her daughter in the most open adoption I’ve ever heard of. She also has a site called “Open adoption support” (http://openadoptionsupport.com/) where you will get to talk to people who are struggling with this issue. I’m not trying to change your mind, or the mother’s mind, about what is best for all of you, I just thought you might want get you in contact with people who have had the same struggles.
I think you are wise to keep your expectations under control. Even women who are very firm about an adoption plan do have to re-make the decision after birth. Until the baby is born, until she holds him/her she can’t make a full-informed decision about whether to place or parent. I know that this must be emotionally exhausting for you.
By the way, if you go to the sites, or maybe even if you don’t, you will find that a lot of people object to calling expectant mothers “birth mothers.” “Birth mother” is appropriate to use after a woman has placed, but until then she is an expectant mother considering an adoption plan.
I’ve been reading your blog for a while. I think you are both wonderful parents and I hope everything works out for you!
September 23, 2009 at 10:33 am
Steven (Green Dads)
Following along and hoping for the best for you.
September 23, 2009 at 10:50 am
Anonymous
Oh my! Does this mean that there could be a Halloween baby? This is very exciting!! Please let me know if there’s any kind of help you can use. I’ll be checking your blog often.
September 23, 2009 at 10:50 am
Karen
Oops, I forgot to leave my contact info on the above post. It’s Karen.
September 23, 2009 at 11:23 am
EG
Wow. Wow wow wow. I mean, you JUST mailed the packet, right? And you hear about these things taking years and years.
“Cautiously optimistic” must take on a new meaning for you.
September 23, 2009 at 9:43 pm
Juan
Yes, cautiously optimistic that if you come to our door on Halloween you may find us lugging around a baby. Generally speaking I am not fond at all, of the term birth mother. I wish there were another way to refer to these mothers. When even possible I try to refer to her as the mom or the mother.
September 24, 2009 at 4:57 pm
Robb
Wishing you all the absolute best!!!!
September 24, 2009 at 9:51 pm
Kristine
Oh my goodness. I haven’t had time to check your blog recently, and then WOW! I can’t believe how fast this has come! Will be thinking of you a lot and sending positive thoughts your way…: )
September 28, 2009 at 4:54 pm
Knot
Congratulations on being able to move along in that process so quickly! I’m slightly envious, considering our fostering experience didn’t give us the opportunity to adopt, and we dropped the whole idea after that.
I am curious though, what do you have planned to deal with work and a new born? I know you both work and T goes to daycare. Will one or both of you stay home with the new little one for a time? This is one of the struggles we had with the whole thing – we each had taken a large chunk of time off that we had saved up at our respective jobs. After she went back home, that time was gone and we no longer had enough to take in another one. The whole idea of taking in another baby with no time off seemed too daunting to us.
September 29, 2009 at 11:01 am
Darrow
Hi Knot
I get to be the stay-at-home Dad this time around. I’ll be home for two months and Juan will also take some time off in the beginning and maybe at the end of the two. I too have tried to save time up, but most of my leave will be unpaid leave through FMLA. We hope to stretch our time off in total to about 3 months. Assuming T is still with us, he’ll continue to go to daycare – though even as I type that last sentence, I’m thinking it would be fun (I say this now) to have him home maybe one day a week…or maybe a half day a week. We’ll have to think on that one.
The time off issue is one reason that fostering another baby was not very workable for us. Neither one of us can repeatedly take time off every time a new baby arrives. I’m guessing that those who foster infants probably stay at home or maybe they have readily available day care/nanny resources.
Our lives over the next few months are going to crazy, logistically and emotionally but we’re going to make it work the best we can.
October 1, 2009 at 7:33 pm
Charles
Congrats! We are wishing you all the best. Please let everyone know how things work out. We will be sending good thoughts your way.
October 1, 2009 at 9:42 pm
Jennifer
How did I miss this post? Yay! Yay! And more yay! Fingers crossed….
October 4, 2009 at 11:26 pm
Lindsey Perry
Oh what a beautiful thing!!! I am oh soooo very happy for you guys! I have to wonder if I am *almost* as excited as the both of you or *just* as excited!!!! I’m leaning towards *just*. 🙂
October 5, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Marie-Eve
I guess I am also cautiously optimistic but wow! Congrats (fingers crossed!)
October 13, 2009 at 2:26 pm
EG
Thought of you two today. Hope all is still progressing as hoped.
October 19, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Nichole
This sounds like a whole new roller coaster ride! Wishing the best for you two!!