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There is a time for grieving

that time is winding down

I should be less sad

I should find happiness in the here and now

and find a way to overcome the loss of our son Read the rest of this entry »


One day I spent time in the arboretum Read the rest of this entry »

Memories of brothers who shared a passion for flashing lights and blaring sirens Read the rest of this entry »

I was up Sunday night in the wee hours.  I seem to be having trouble sleeping.  It isn’t that I’m not tired; it’s that I can’t turn it off.  Head falls down on the lovely down pillow, on the fabulous 800-thread cotton sheets, on the perfect and new Stearns and Foster mattress, and then the deadly deeds begin to role.  It’s the way he said it, the moronic decision, could have kicked the shit out of them, should be held accountable, best interests of the child, you are failing, failing, failing, dammit pick up after yourself, hate the push and shove on the train, bad behavior begets bad behavior, wild and wicked thoughts about getting back, get back, get the fuck back from me.  I’m dangerous right now.  Don’t be a victim. Read the rest of this entry »

I expect that in about three months our son will be gone—reunited with his biological family.  I ‘m not sure what this means for our family.  For now, we turn again to our beloved little four year-old and begin the process of thinking about how to help him make this transition.  It’s time for his foster parents to put away sorrow for the moment and have adult conversations about the next few months.  Read the rest of this entry »

Between two Federal buildings there’s a tunnel built in the 1930s.  It enables employees to travel from one building to the other without having to cross a multi-lane thoroughfare.  One day while dashing to a meeting, I noticed one of my fellow employees standing midway through the tunnel, a small pile of debris at his feet.  With his fingers he was slowly peeling paint from the walls where it had bubbled and split open as water leaked down from the surface streets.  I was struck at how odd, slightly chilling and a little freakish this image of the government worker literally peeling paint off of the walls was.  I left a short time later after realizing that that agency embraced the paint peelers and all flavor of the unnatural and the bizarre. Read the rest of this entry »

Another court date is upon us.  This is the hearing meant to replace the one back in December where several parties were no-shows; which was meant to replace the one back in October where the court didn’t properly schedule the hearing; that replaces the one in September where none of the parties could agree—this hearing, to replace all of the others, is happening today, January 11.  If anyone is late or absent, no excuse will suffice.  Not that anyone should ever have an excuse for not showing at a hearing given the gravity of the situation, but this time no one can forget the date: one-one-one-one-one. Read the rest of this entry »


I am number four of six children born to my parents between 1953 and 1966.  While having that many children today may seem a little wacky, I remember families in my old neighborhood that had even more.  Child bearing was very different back then.  Back in the day, the really odd family was the one down the street with the only child.  As Darrow and I began down this road together, I often wondered just how many children would cross our threshold.  I still have this romantic image of the two of us in this big old house bursting at the seams with little ones.  Read the rest of this entry »

It’s time to pull out the Christmas music once again.  Each year I stash it in the same place on a bookshelf, knowing that inevitably we will be listening to Diana Ross’ off-key Silver Bells, Nat King Cole’s classic White Christmas and the Vince Guaraldi’s sound track to A Charlie Brown ChristmasDecember another holiday favorite, is a collection of somber but beautiful piano pieces by George Winston.  Originally recorded in 1982, it is the backdrop to a lot of my holiday memories growing up.  It makes me wonder why this particular holiday can take on such a sad tone especially in music.  Christmas is supposed to be about presents, and good cheer, and Santa, but somehow it can just as easily take a poignant and melancholy turn.  Read the rest of this entry »

I thought I would try another wordless Wednesday

—though I can never be completely wordless. 

One of the features that distinguishes the boys is their hair 

—it’s part of what makes them fabulous.  Read the rest of this entry »

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