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It’s 6:33 on a Sunday morning and I’ve been up for a little over an hour, after shaking myself awake from a dream of T.

My memory of the dream starts with T being in our house for a weekend visit. For some reason, “our house” was a mishmash of where we live now, my childhood home and a house for-sale down the street and around the corner.  There were toys every where.  My Mom and my nieces and nephews were also there – in the house but in other rooms that I couldn’t see and didn’t attempt to enter.  Lucas was more baby than boy, but he moved freely about the house. Read the rest of this entry »

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We have a dining room, the old-fashioned kind with an old brass chandelier set just above a big black farm table.  The table bears the scratches and marks of a piece of furniture well lived.  For me, it’s the room that holds more good memories than any other in the house.  Read the rest of this entry »

There is a time for grieving

that time is winding down

I should be less sad

I should find happiness in the here and now

and find a way to overcome the loss of our son Read the rest of this entry »

In 2000 when I loaded all my belongings into a twenty-foot truck with my car in tow and headed to Washington, D.C., Mika was there.  She rode in the cab for the four days and the nineteen states it took to get us there.  Looking back it seems like it would have been a lonely trip, but it wasn’t.  I had lots of music and Miss Mika who sat next to me in the cab.  The first night we pulled into a motel in Montana that allowed pets.  I found that the rooms they stuck us in were always smelly and a little dirty.  Neither Mika nor I were smelly or dirty.  For the rest of the trip I decided to take my father’s advice.  Being an active RV-ing senior, he knows all of the travel tricks.  He told me that lots of RVs pull into Wal-Mart parking lots at night while they are on the road.  The stores are usually located off the interstate and Wal-Mart encourages the practice of RVs overnighting in their parking lots.  All those visiting seniors then go shopping the next day.  Everybody wins. Read the rest of this entry »

She has been with me for the last sixteen years.  I found her huddled in the back of a cage in a Seattle City shelter.  My life was going through major changes: I was leaving my partner at the time; I had unloaded a lot of stuff (both the physical and meta-physical); I was beginning graduate school; I was in some early mid-life “where the hell am I going” crisis.  I’m not sure what prompted me to rescue her.  Maybe I just needed a friend and she needed a home.  Read the rest of this entry »

She said “Hey! Aren’t you missing one?” and then she smiled.  She smiled that special smile that says “I just made a funny!”.   She didn’t notice how I nearly tripped over my feet as I fumbled for an answer.  I knew what she meant by her question, but for one irrational second, I thought she was being purposefully hurtful.   It then occurred to me that she had not seen me in quite some time.  The last time we spoke  – on the same sidewalk, in front of the same house – was back in March.  Back then, I could still answer “two” (and not be wrong, like I have been lately) when asked how many kids I have. Read the rest of this entry »

I have been looking for a scrawny, brown boy with long curly hair.  It is 2016 and I know he still has dimples, even as a teenager.  I imagine him with glasses, carrying a book, standing at a bus stop surrounded by a crew of friends.  I know that he will never be wanting for friendship.  He is the most social, the most likeable little boy ever.  Read the rest of this entry »

Our intent in keeping a blog was to document our experiences in being parents.  It started with foster care training and then placement of a frail nine month old boy who we cared for and loved and after three and half years said goodbye to.  That part of our story seemed to have a beginning, middle and end.  The reality though is his story has not ended.  We continue to experience his departure over and over, sometimes more than once a day.  It has been harder than I even imagined. Read the rest of this entry »

One day I spent time in the arboretum Read the rest of this entry »

I remember the morning of Friday, April 29 2011 as nothing remarkable.  I got up first.  And then T.  And then Lucas.  I was in the kitchen making lunches when I heard the drag of one of T’s dresser drawers as he pulled it open in search of something to wear.  I smiled, picturing him tossing the shirts with buttons and collars aside.  I prepared myself for our morning game – T leaping into the kitchen proudly and fully clothed and me displaying dramatic surprise and faux shock.  Oh, man! You beat Lucas AGAIN?! Read the rest of this entry »

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