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There is nothing more relaxing than a cat. After a chaotic few months with extra kids in the house, having an oversized kitty sitting on your chest massaging your belly and purring in your ear is a bit like heaven. It doesn’t hurt when you’re out in the country and the only other sound besides the bray of nearby horses is the occasional rumble of a passing truck.

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It’s 6:33 on a Sunday morning and I’ve been up for a little over an hour, after shaking myself awake from a dream of T.

My memory of the dream starts with T being in our house for a weekend visit. For some reason, “our house” was a mishmash of where we live now, my childhood home and a house for-sale down the street and around the corner.  There were toys every where.  My Mom and my nieces and nephews were also there – in the house but in other rooms that I couldn’t see and didn’t attempt to enter.  Lucas was more baby than boy, but he moved freely about the house. Read the rest of this entry »

There is a time for grieving

that time is winding down

I should be less sad

I should find happiness in the here and now

and find a way to overcome the loss of our son Read the rest of this entry »

She said “Hey! Aren’t you missing one?” and then she smiled.  She smiled that special smile that says “I just made a funny!”.   She didn’t notice how I nearly tripped over my feet as I fumbled for an answer.  I knew what she meant by her question, but for one irrational second, I thought she was being purposefully hurtful.   It then occurred to me that she had not seen me in quite some time.  The last time we spoke  – on the same sidewalk, in front of the same house – was back in March.  Back then, I could still answer “two” (and not be wrong, like I have been lately) when asked how many kids I have. Read the rest of this entry »

I have been looking for a scrawny, brown boy with long curly hair.  It is 2016 and I know he still has dimples, even as a teenager.  I imagine him with glasses, carrying a book, standing at a bus stop surrounded by a crew of friends.  I know that he will never be wanting for friendship.  He is the most social, the most likeable little boy ever.  Read the rest of this entry »

Our intent in keeping a blog was to document our experiences in being parents.  It started with foster care training and then placement of a frail nine month old boy who we cared for and loved and after three and half years said goodbye to.  That part of our story seemed to have a beginning, middle and end.  The reality though is his story has not ended.  We continue to experience his departure over and over, sometimes more than once a day.  It has been harder than I even imagined. Read the rest of this entry »

One day I spent time in the arboretum Read the rest of this entry »

I remember the morning of Friday, April 29 2011 as nothing remarkable.  I got up first.  And then T.  And then Lucas.  I was in the kitchen making lunches when I heard the drag of one of T’s dresser drawers as he pulled it open in search of something to wear.  I smiled, picturing him tossing the shirts with buttons and collars aside.  I prepared myself for our morning game – T leaping into the kitchen proudly and fully clothed and me displaying dramatic surprise and faux shock.  Oh, man! You beat Lucas AGAIN?! Read the rest of this entry »


I was rushing from work, clomping black oxfords down the sidewalk towards the subway.  The day was not unlike the rest of my week where all hell had broken loose, where casual Friday was anything but casual.  I scurried down the escalator into the passage under the street, through the turnstiles and another escalator to the platform.  It was only a few minutes after five, I might still get a seat on the train.  I whipped out my trusty companion—the company BlackBerry—to kill the 5 ½ minute ride to the train station.  I thumbed through my calendar and at the top of May 25 was a reminder—Monthly Home Visit from Social Worker.  For a few hours I had forgotten about him. Read the rest of this entry »

In the midst of grief there is always a job to do.  In divorce there are legal issues and settlement and visitation.  In death, the affairs of a person’s life must be put in order; personal effects must be handled.  In reunification there are also those things—the needful.  We’ve done a lot of the hard stuff:  preparing him as much as is possible with a four-year old; figuring out what things to send with him; and finally transporting the little guy and his possessions to his new life.  Now comes the rest. 

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