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There is nothing more relaxing than a cat. After a chaotic few months with extra kids in the house, having an oversized kitty sitting on your chest massaging your belly and purring in your ear is a bit like heaven. It doesn’t hurt when you’re out in the country and the only other sound besides the bray of nearby horses is the occasional rumble of a passing truck.

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travel to new places

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It’s 6:33 on a Sunday morning and I’ve been up for a little over an hour, after shaking myself awake from a dream of T.

My memory of the dream starts with T being in our house for a weekend visit. For some reason, “our house” was a mishmash of where we live now, my childhood home and a house for-sale down the street and around the corner.  There were toys every where.  My Mom and my nieces and nephews were also there – in the house but in other rooms that I couldn’t see and didn’t attempt to enter.  Lucas was more baby than boy, but he moved freely about the house. Read the rest of this entry »

I am so lucky to have spent your first 4 birthdays with you.

  happy birthday, first son.

missing you always

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Warning: This post is long and picture-less.  Juan will attest that it took me forever to write it.  Consider this my attempt to answer some frequently-asked questions – How’s T doing? Have you heard from his parents?  Do you get to see him?  The short answers are I don’t know, No and No.   The longer answer follows… Read the rest of this entry »

One:  Holidays Are Not Scary

I dreaded spending the coming holidays at home.  I thought being around friends here, in all the familiar places, would too easily remind me that we were one less.   I think Juan and I were on the same page, which made it easy to plan our escape.  This past Summer was our most traveled probably since we’ve been together.

We hit the road Memorial Day weekend, Read the rest of this entry »

There is a time for grieving

that time is winding down

I should be less sad

I should find happiness in the here and now

and find a way to overcome the loss of our son Read the rest of this entry »

She said “Hey! Aren’t you missing one?” and then she smiled.  She smiled that special smile that says “I just made a funny!”.   She didn’t notice how I nearly tripped over my feet as I fumbled for an answer.  I knew what she meant by her question, but for one irrational second, I thought she was being purposefully hurtful.   It then occurred to me that she had not seen me in quite some time.  The last time we spoke  – on the same sidewalk, in front of the same house – was back in March.  Back then, I could still answer “two” (and not be wrong, like I have been lately) when asked how many kids I have. Read the rest of this entry »

I have been looking for a scrawny, brown boy with long curly hair.  It is 2016 and I know he still has dimples, even as a teenager.  I imagine him with glasses, carrying a book, standing at a bus stop surrounded by a crew of friends.  I know that he will never be wanting for friendship.  He is the most social, the most likeable little boy ever.  Read the rest of this entry »

Our intent in keeping a blog was to document our experiences in being parents.  It started with foster care training and then placement of a frail nine month old boy who we cared for and loved and after three and half years said goodbye to.  That part of our story seemed to have a beginning, middle and end.  The reality though is his story has not ended.  We continue to experience his departure over and over, sometimes more than once a day.  It has been harder than I even imagined. Read the rest of this entry »

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