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It’s 6:33 on a Sunday morning and I’ve been up for a little over an hour, after shaking myself awake from a dream of T.

My memory of the dream starts with T being in our house for a weekend visit. For some reason, “our house” was a mishmash of where we live now, my childhood home and a house for-sale down the street and around the corner.  There were toys every where.  My Mom and my nieces and nephews were also there – in the house but in other rooms that I couldn’t see and didn’t attempt to enter.  Lucas was more baby than boy, but he moved freely about the house. Read the rest of this entry »

I have been looking for a scrawny, brown boy with long curly hair.  It is 2016 and I know he still has dimples, even as a teenager.  I imagine him with glasses, carrying a book, standing at a bus stop surrounded by a crew of friends.  I know that he will never be wanting for friendship.  He is the most social, the most likeable little boy ever.  Read the rest of this entry »

It always starts the same.  The four of us sit at a small round table in a quiet, white room.  No caseworkers.  No attorneys.  No kids.  We’re visibly nervous but feel safe enough to say so.  We disarm each other with cordial greetings and honest handshakes. T’s father’s typical glare and grunt are absent, replaced by smiling eyes and complete sentences. I’m grateful and relieved. Read the rest of this entry »

t-darrow-at-the-car-show-1

 

I have this dream that comes up periodically.  Because it is a daydream, I have the option of allowing it to manifest in my brain and to take the associated emotional ride.  In the dream I am standing in the courtroom, only unlike other hearings, this time it is to finalize the adoption process.  We are all dressed up including my foster son in his little two piece suit and bow tie.  The courtroom is packed with people, friends and family, neighbors, his day care teacher–everyone who loves him and us.  The judge is there–it is probably the best part of her day.  There are many tears and good will and love that surround the scene.  And the center of the universe, the little man in the little suit seems oblivious to what is taking place.  All he knows is that all of the people in his life and ours is there, many grandparents, uncles and aunts and he has hugs for everyone.  Read the rest of this entry »

juan-brazil-1a 

 

I have been a parent for more than a year.  It’s been an unforgettable experience.  Sometimes I have a hard time remembering what I was like before.  I wish that that were strictly a good thing.  It isn’t.  I have found myself at parties with friends wishing I had more to talk about than the little urchin boy running around being cute and munching on snacks.  But that seems to be all that my life is right now.  I know it will not always be that way, because as he grows up I won’t be so completely consumed chasing him around, protecting him from himself and every other possible hazard that might befall him.  So I have decided in 2009 that it is time to be more than a parent.  For once in the Daddy Diaries I am not going to dwell on the tragedy of the foster care system, or the quandaries that we face in raising our son, or even the joys of being a dad.  I am going to talk about me.

  Read the rest of this entry »

The plane dives. I sense its tilt, the nose pointing almost straight down as it speeds through the clouds. I sit in a rear row and can see over the seats in front of me. There is no cockpit door – no cockpit in fact. I know/sense that there’s a large windshield where the cockpit should be, but I can’t see it. The ground below seems both far and near, approaching quickly yet taking longer than I expect. I hear the screams but see no one.

I’m going to die.

Read the rest of this entry »

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