darkness greets my opening eyes

somewhere between 1 second running into 2, I remember T is gone

i try to stifle the unmanly whimper

it escapes my feeble efforts

i hear him

i hear his fidgets and flips

i hear his morning cough

it sounds a lot like Lucas’

i hear the faint echo of his ritual call

daddy! daddy! daaaadeeeeee!! Come here for a second!

i feel incredibly alone

tears come

since friday, constantly ready to expose

i’m embarrassed and tired of my own fragility

i lay still, listening to sounds, real or imagined

my brain plays more tricks

t’s dresser drawer opens

daddy! i’m going to beat lucas! i’m going to win!

juan closes the upstairs closet door

he greets and says goodbye all at once

i drag myself out of bed

pushing, pulling and dragging T’s absence along

i start to make lunches for two before I remember

he’s hiding just outside the kitchen entry way

ready to leap

smile flashing bright

i love that smile

hair curly and unruly and bouncing

daddy! i win! i got my clothes on first!

i ready lucas

we leave

we ride

t’s car seat waits silently, patiently, hopefully

the iPod gets left behind

the radio is mute

music hurts

news of war terrorism death murder fire republicans democrats celebrities is more unwelcome than ever

we arrive and make our way down the stairs

to greet the empty space below


those damned tears