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The only good foster parent is one who doesn’t act like one.
I remember being at one of the hearings a few months ago in Juvenile Court that would decide the fate of our foster son. Our son’s court appointed attorney (the guardian ad litem), a friendly guy came up and introduced himself. He recognized that we as foster parents had more than a passing interest in what happened inside the courtroom. He approached us a number of times to explain what was happening. After a long afternoon of negotiations some of which were rather tense, some decisions were made. Unfortunately none of which could be shared with us at the time. But he did have a talk with us after the proceedings were finished. He let us know that this would be a long, hard process that could drag out for some time. He advised us to be patient and then told us to prepare ourselves for the possibility that our foster son could possibly go home. I think he was concerned that we were so attached to Ty and that the possibility of adopting him was just as big as the possibility that he might go home. I wish I could remember his exact words but it was something to the effect of: don’t love him too much because you may have to eventually give him up.
I have reached the point where I can’t take much more from the foster care system. It is hard to imagine it becoming any worse, though gauging from all we have experienced from social services thus far, I suppose it’s possible. We operate now completely on our own. We refrain from contact with our son’s worker and our continuing home worker. They have demonstrated to both of us not only their inability to do their respective jobs, they have shown that they are incapable of relating to us in a positive, productive and even at times, professional manner. I feel like a bad child when dealing with them and I am tired of fighting back. It’s funny that I used to take their side and insisted that they were underpaid, overworked, and functioned as best they could in a broken system. Now I realize that they themselves are broken. The system they operate in; the means with which they conduct business everyday; the culture that defines them and that they perpetuate; it all serves to make it nearly impossible for foster parents to survive this experience.
Okay, so since disposition-ing isn’t really a word, let me be the first to coin it. In the world of the foster care system, the disposition hearing is a BIG DEAL. While it’s just another step in the long legal process, it’s a significant one. Read the rest of this entry »
“Potato.”
“Potato?”
“Yes, in the dream he said potato.”
“Why did he say that? What does it mean–potato?”
“I don’t know.”
“Did he say anything else.”
“No, just po-ta-to.”
We have been waiting patiently for the first word. We assume it will be Da-da, but I suppose it could be anything. Though I don’t think he will be uttering three syllable words like potato right off the bat. Read the rest of this entry »
Two months ago we went to the adjudication hearing regarding our foster son. The hearing was supposed to determine whether there are sufficient facts in the case to necessitate declaring him a child in need of assistance (CINA) from the State of Maryland. I say we went, rather than attended because we weren’t actually invited or expected, for that matter. One might even take from the response we received or the lack thereof from Baltimore City Department of Social Services (BCDSS), that we were not welcome.
Sometimes we marvel at the things this little boy does. It is the reason neither of us can refer to him as a baby anymore, because he has become his own little entity–he is becoming a little boy. He has become more demonstrative as he becomes a toddler; he emotes more through his facial expressions. He looks up at me for a few moments like I am the center of his universe, then he sees his stuffed teddy bear or his favorite book and the center shifts for a while. I think he loves books more than any of his toys. It is amazing to see this kind of thing in such a young child. Read the rest of this entry »
This is a post that I have been staring at for over a month contemplating whether to share it. It needed to be processed a little because it was so raw. But I have not sugar-coated anything. It represents what is happening to me, be it good, bad or ugly:
There may ultimately be an explosion. And I do mean me. Read the rest of this entry »
Sometimes one of us turns to the other and states, “we have a baby,” as if it has just dawned on us for the first time. On occasion it seems surreal that this perfect little boy is with us.
Foster parenting is not adoption. While the link between the two is evident–the pathway to adoption often beginning with foster care–the challenges faced by foster parents can be overwhelming at times. For instance there is this crazy linkage between the foster family and the one whose child you are caring for. Sometimes it feels as if the messy life of your foster child’s biological family has been dropped in your lap. Read the rest of this entry »
We have been trying to find the rhythm of this new life that includes a little baby boy. Our absence from the blog is just a symptom of having a child. Lots of things have slipped in the last two months that our son has been with us. The house isn’t as clean, running or any exercise for that matter has been pretty hit or miss. The dogs are a bit more pesky probably because we haven’t mastered how to give them the love and attention they deserve given the needs of the newest member of the family. The rules have changed for everyone–dogs included–and the adjustment phase is on-going. Read the rest of this entry »
It has been more than a month since our foster son arrived in our home. My partner noted the other day that T had already settled in to become another part of our family. It is as if he has always belonged here. He has bonded with us and we are hopelessly bonded to him. The dogs are in tune to him and our oldest has begun to show her protectiveness by sleeping in front of his crib and by carefully inspecting anyone who enters our home and decides to get near T. But as our connection grows with this little boy so does our apprehension that he is in foster care with us. He is not our child and his future is not at all certain.
This will be a short entry because I have no time to do much of anything but to tend to the Little King. I actually had breakfast this morning which was a feat in itself. I know I am pushing my luck by trying to write this post but here goes anyway. Read the rest of this entry »
In a post a few months ago I tried to speculate on what would happen when we got that first call from the placement office at Baltimore City Department of Social Services (BCDSS):
What happens for example, after we become certified as a foster-adoption resource family, if BCDSS presents us with an 18-month old boy. Would we then respond by saying, “Oh, I’m sorry, he isn’t young enough. You got any younger babies?
That is what I wrote back in July. The post was in response to the discussions that my partner and I were having regarding the child that we would bring into our home. It amazes me how my tongue-in-cheek comment has become reality–well almost reality. Read the rest of this entry »
It seems like we are standing still. I have felt a little powerless in the last few days as if there is nothing much more we can do. We are, it seems, at the mercy of the City of Baltimore and of those who are just cogs in the great machine. There is a lack of knowledge or communication about who all of the cogs are; what their function is; and finally how they contribute to the final product. After talking to our continuing home worker she mentioned to me that it was good that we were being proactive. Which I took to mean, you best not sit and wait for something to happen because you will be sitting a long time. But I also asked about contacting the placement office every couple of weeks to check in, see how things were going. She looked at me and said something like, why would you do that? In the meantime I have now begun to investigate social service agencies of counties in other States. I will continue to be the determined, responsive, proactive, inquisitive, prospective father that I have been throughout this process. I expect that I will end up being a pest–but hopefully a loveable pest in any case.
The Continuing Home Worker
Huh? Continuing what? Another social worker?
Well, we originally thought that the person who would handle our case next was going to be sort of on our side. She was going to help facilitate the placement of a child in our home. She would interface with the social workers representing individual children and try to find a good placement for us. I mistakenly called her the placement worker. That most definitely is not what she is. Read the rest of this entry »
I found out from our home study worker that our certification date as a foster/adoptive family is actually September 7, 2007. This is four months to the day from our orientation session–our first contact with Baltimore City Department of Social Services (BCDSS). Our worker reiterated how fast this certification has been and thanked us for doing so much work ahead of time. She said that information regarding the next steps in the process would be mailed to us along with our certificate. A continuing home worker would be assigned who would facilitate the placement of a foster child in our home. She said that we could expect a call from the continuing home worker sometime next week. Read the rest of this entry »
No, there is no issue with our certification. It has been two weeks since our home study was completed. We are in the waiting stage, hoping for a call from a social worker looking to make a placement. This is about approval–the acceptance we seek from society and from other people. I remember in high school how critical it was to gain acceptance and approval from your peers. But now that I am an adult, it seems like a strange concept. At this stage, who really cares what you think about me, or my partner or our decision to adopt a child? Well, it’s not quite that simple.
I would like to stir the pot even more on the subject of race and adoption. When it comes to transracial adoption, there are no examples where the colors are flipped around. African Americans are not adopting white children here nor are they going to Eastern Europe to adopt orphans, it just isn’t something that occurs in our society and if it does it is a pretty rare event. Read the rest of this entry »
As of today, we are certified as a Foster/Adoptive Resource Family with the City of Baltimore Department of Social Services. It is real, it is happening, we are in business. But what does that mean–we are certified. We did everything that was asked of us, and apparently we did it a lot faster than they are used to. Read the rest of this entry »
Though I have already mentioned the fire inspection in a previous post, I thought that it was worthwhile providing more detail about the experience since fire prevention and preparedness are so important. Read the rest of this entry »
There is this thing that happens to runners–if you are one, you know what I mean. It helps you drag your tired butt out of bed, put on your shoes and shorts and pound the streets for a mile or two, or seven or eight. It’s this sense of calm that brings you into a weird harmony with everyone and everything. It is a contentment that brings you closer to being at peace with the world. And you know it is going to happen no matter how bad you feel at the start; no matter how much your body protests during your run; no matter how sore you are afterwards. This is running euphoria. It is the chemical response to physical activity. Last night I experienced a similar euphoria, though one induced by the notion that I am about to be a father. Read the rest of this entry »
There are many things that my son will have to overcome in his life. He will have to find his place in a world where that is not as simple as it used to be. As an African-American male he will have to deal with the racism that is inherent in our society. He will have to come to terms with the loss and grief connected to his adoption. He may also have to deal with medical or psychological issues associated with his early life. Finally, he will have to live with the fact that his family is unlike most others because he has two Dads. Read the rest of this entry »
After all of the work that we had to do to the house, the inspection was pretty anti-climatic. In addition to hassling the contractor about finishing work on the house in order to meet safety requirements, we’ve also been running around for the last few months addressing all of the smaller issues. I can honestly say that at this time the house is ready—not just for the health inspection but it’s ready to have a little one running around. Baltimore City Department of Health contracts with a company to carry out home inspections for the Department of Social Services. The contractor then subcontracts with individual inspectors. On Saturday our inspector was in our house for less than twenty minutes. I had expected a lengthy, and more rigorous visit, but was just glad to get it behind us. Of all of the steps in the process this inspection was the most unnerving because there was so much to do and was the least straight forward part of the home study. Suffice to say that we passed without any problems. We live in a nice neighborhood, keep a nice house, and have taken all of the steps necessary to make this house safe. Next up: the Fire Inspection.
What’s it all for? Why must we go through all of this? When is it going to end? Sounds like I am whining but sometimes that is what it feels like. It is difficult with this strange love welling up inside of me for some kid. I don’t know who he is, have never seen him before. Frankly he may not even be born yet. Am I just another one of those nutty adoptive parents? Read the rest of this entry »
Things are happening a lot faster then we had anticipated. It kind of caught us off guard. Earlier in the spring we had spoken to another couple about their not-so-positive experiences dealing with Baltimore City Department of Social Services (BCDSS). That combined with the dismal experience in training did not leave us with high expectations. However, since attending the orientation just a few months ago, our Home Study in nearly complete.
I am new to the world of blogging, but after a month or so, I now understand how they serve to help people who may want to deal with serious personal issues. Blogging is a useful tool for expressing oneself. The interaction makes it possible for one to keep a journal that allows others to share in your pain, sorrow or joy. The communities that focus on adoption for example, seem to coalesce around issues that provide some level of support. They function as a resource that might not otherwise be available. I have explored everything from a Christian blogger praying desperately for an Ethiopian baby to an adoptee dealing with grief and loss over a mother that gave her up as an infant. There is always something to take away from reading them–information, understanding–even if you think the person is wrong or just plain stupid. Read the rest of this entry »
Adoption is a commitment that my partner and I have weighed for several years. Even before knowing each other, we each had entertained the idea. There were times-many times actually-that I wasn’t sure if I had the ability to be a parent or that I even wanted to be. The notion was vague, like something I would do in the future-like retire. It seemed far enough away that I wouldn’t expend a lot of energy thinking about it anyway. Read the rest of this entry »
When presented with a choice, how do you select the child that is to become your son or daughter? It’s a pretty profound decision. Biological parents are spared this kind of decision-making because a higher power, fate or mother nature makes the decision for them. So where do we go to find the answer? It would be irresponsible to be arbitrary about such a thing. It is just as important a decision as the one we made in taking on the life-long responsibility to adopt. Read the rest of this entry »
I have often heard jokes about the process that people have to go through in order to become adoptive parents, like suggesting that all parents should have to go though a certification process. One of the biggest obstacles to becoming an adoptive parent is making sure that your home meets certain safety and health standards. Most of these requirements are the things you should have done anyways—like ensuring you can escape during a fire, putting household cleaners out of a child’s reach or making sure that a toddler does not get his head stuck in the banister of the staircase. Read the rest of this entry »
We have dogs–big dogs. Mika looks like a big yellow German Shepherd if there were such a thing. She came from a shelter on the West Coast and accompanied me on a cross-country trip to the Mid-Atlantic several years ago. She is credited with introducing my partner and I in front of the Capitol Building next to the reflecting pool on September 12, 2001. Read the rest of this entry »
We met the social worker at our house. It was a good day for the first visit. Though the calendar said July, it seemed like a cool Spring morning. At the end of the visit she turned to us and said, “It is just so peaceful here.” It was a comforting statement not just because we were sitting outside on the deck under the trees, but because it was a good visit. The worker made us feel comfortable; she was professional and spoke to us like we were both equally a part of the process. She gave us good advice and made it seem like something good would come out of this for everyone. Read the rest of this entry »
Who is he?
What does he look like?
What will life be like with him?
Sometimes I think about all of the differences in the children that I care for every Saturday when I volunteer. I imagine that he’s a little bit of all of them. He smiles easily and big. His hair is soft and curly. His eyes are dark and deep. His body is so little and frail but it just seems that way. He can hold his head up. He likes to be picked up. He rubs his eyes when he is tired and will scream if you don’t get the hint. Read the rest of this entry »
“Yes. Hello, Juan. I am calling from Baltimore City Department of Social Services,” came the pleasant voice on the other end of the line. “I have been assigned as your social worker and I need to schedule some time with you. Now, it needs to be a time when Mr. Brown can be there also. As you know under Baltimore City regulations we identify you as the primary applicant, but Mr. Brown will be your back-up and co-applicant.” There was the magical word that we had waited for someone to say—co-applicant. He is not the person in the background, the furniture in the room, the “back-up.” He will be the parent equal in everyway to me. Read the rest of this entry »
I am a volunteer in a therapeutic foster home for very young children who have had prenatal and/or environmental exposure to drugs. I typically spend my time with the most active babies in the home—the “older kids” who range in age from five to eight months. They get around a little more, there are more opportunities to play with them and they tend to be more responsive (or so I thought) Read the rest of this entry »
I just want to be like everyone else. There I said it. Is that bad? That’s not bad. I want what everyone who wants a family wants—little ones. Read the rest of this entry »
I began to realize that a big part of this process is hope. We can do all the things necessary–buy you clothes and a crib, make the house safe for someone your size, subject ourselves to the scrutiny of the process–but in the end all you have is hope. Hope means that I can envision the three of us together. The fun things we will do, the happiness in our family, the joy that the dogs will have being around you and you around them. I have hope that the process we are wading through with the Baltimore City Department of Social Services will unite us with you, our son. Read the rest of this entry »
There we were entering the Baltimore City Department of Social Services (BCDSS) building for the final day of training. I remembered thinking the day before that I would rather have been at work than in this depressing, sad training program. But today I knew that I was going to miss being here, because in the end, each module, each day meant progress, one more step towards Daddyhood—or at least that is the hope.
