Everyday is Halloween in our house—trick or treat. I stand there in my Daddy costume with my little bag open wondering whether there’s going to be some sweet treat or whether he’s going to toss me another big ugly rock. Both of us have written on this subject a few times, the terribleness that is T. You can’t possibly have terribleness like his terribleness.
Each time I think I have mastered the material, the test comes and I usually fail. I think what gets me the most is when I’m caught off guard. I am home from work, tired, agitated by the commute and only wanting to feel loved. Sometimes that is not what he is able to give. Whether he is hungry or tired or just being his age, he let’s me have it. No, no, no; arguing about everything he wants to do or doesn’t want to do; throwing food at the table; wrestling me about changing his diaper or his clothes, and on occasion breaking one of the cardinal rules—biting, hitting or kicking.
It’s the anger that gets to me. I know there are times when it seems appropriate to demonstrate a little anger towards him, like when he breaks one of the cardinal rules or worse, does something to endanger himself. I hate though, that as an adult, as a parent, as his Poppa, I can’t seem to deal with him when he is being a rat without getting angry. I don’t want that thing, that ugly anger thing to intrude into my relationship with my son. I don’t want him to react either positively or negatively to that face, that scowl, those narrowed eyes, the finger wag, the terse words, those pointy eyebrows.
Last night I couldn’t take anymore. From the moment I got home he cried, screamed and kept falling down into a puddle of unhappiness. I had only been in the house forty-five minutes and we were on our third dirty diaper. It’s not that diapers are a problem, but the cooperation in changing them. After several failed attempts to get him upstairs, I stood on the landing and shouted up to the heavens, “I just can’t take this anymore!” I of course startled T. He stood at the base of the stairs with a queer look, trying to determine why Poppa was shouting. Like the dutiful parent, Darrow came and helped escort the little urchin up the stairs where I was able to change the puzzled little boy.
I know all parents eventually experience the throws of two year olds. I know I am human and have a temper. I just don’t like it getting out in front of me without having the opportunity to take a breath first. I love my son. He is a beautiful little kid in every way. I don’t want my inability to deal with this stage of his development to impact our relationship. That’s all, I just want to be a better parent whether he is being his sweet, happy self or the little rat.
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July 16, 2009 at 9:16 am
Yondalla
May I make a recommendation? This comes from a parent who lived through this and was NOT a great toddler-parent. (I like my children SO much better as they got older). Anyway, _How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk_ is really helpful. Many of my friends said that they didn’t see how it would work with 2 year olds, but it was working well for me.
Maybe it worked better for me because I read the other book “Liberated Parents, Liberated Children” first. It gives less in the way of specific suggestions and talks for about emotions, including parent anger. It talks about expressing the anger in healthy ways, modeling good anger management for kids. (Okay, i haven’t read the book for 10 years, so I’m sure my memory is faulty.)
Anywhoo, I remember getting idea for how I could expressing anger in non-damaging ways, not being told I wasn’t supposed to get angry.
Two year olds are all about separating and being independent while needing you at the same time. That sort of conflict goes away when until they are teens. And teens are easier, mostly.
July 16, 2009 at 9:50 am
Melissa
It happens to all of us. It happens to me every day. It is them being two and testing their limits. I have been feeling the same way: guilty about discipline, wanting our time together to be happy, not angry. But lately I’ve been thinking I need to face reality. My son behaves better with my husband, who is stricter than me. I never thought I’d be this parent, I’ve always believed in discipine, but it’s harder when it’s your kid. So for me, it’s time to get tougher and stop putting up with the nonsense.
Good luck with T!
July 16, 2009 at 11:10 am
EG
I hate it, too. I get angry and then what I wouldn’t do to take it back when I realize I’ve let my emotions get the better of me with a 2-year-old. With my son who I’m raising to be a better person than I.
The perils of being human, I suppose.
July 16, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Nichole
Maybe it’s just me, but I see nothing wrong with raising your voice and anger being the source of it. Sometimes that’s the only thing that gets them to respond. In the real world when you push and push and push people’s limits you will get that response as well. We are only human.
The thing you want to avoid is making comments that show you are out of control or hurtful comments that you normally wouldn’t say. If I feel myself reaching that point I try to give myself a moment to get it together. I often tell myself, “They’re just a child. I’ve seen much worse. This will pass.” Then I feel much better and I’m able to approach them with more patience and almost detach myself from their behavior. My reaction/response is more mellow.
And as hard as it may be never take their behavior personal. It’s just part of their development.
July 17, 2009 at 10:20 pm
Susanna
I know what you are talking about. I got “baby girl” just a month before she turned 2. 2 is a rough,rough age to begin with, but add the trauma of a recent separation from all that was familiar and it upped the ante on two year old behavior 100 fold. She is now almost 31/2 and I am just beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have “mommy” guilt, but it is compounded by the unresolved issue of permanancy. If she doesn’t stay with me, I don’t want her to remember me as the “mean” mommy who yelled or sent her to bed when it just got ridiculous. If she stays, I want her to know that I love her and that I am trying to teaching her life skills by setting expectations for behavior. And….that I am human and get tired and angry and sad. I find that I am more inconsistent and less patient when a court date is looming or I feel stressed about being in this limbo of not knowing what is happening. Some days I just want to love and give happy memories of their time with me. On other days I realize the need for structure, boundaries, consistency and reality.
July 18, 2009 at 8:40 pm
Nancy and Uncle Pop
He loves you unconditionally. No matter what.
February 21, 2010 at 6:08 pm
Hobbits in the House « The Daddy Diaries
[...] Our son’s teacher used to tell us that development happened in six month increments. What we have noticed is that development, like life is a series of phases and sub-phases that appear more like contortions, eruptions and explosions and they happen all around us, all the time. The kind of person that I am, I expect T’s behavior to be more static, maybe because life seems easier when the things in it don’t change so much from day-to-day. I get used to the loving, sweet, polite boy and get put off balance when I get something else. Last year I began to wonder who I was going to encounter every time I came home from work. [...]