Yes, looking at you like you have lost your mind—that is what I was doing the other night. Yes, when the person that after all we have been through with the foster care system—the horrid amusement park ride that seems to have no end—says aloud to me and to everyone reading this blog that you could do it again—be a foster parent, yes, you have lost your mind, most definitely. It wasn’t that long ago that I wrote a post blasting the foster care system.
I suppose it was reactionary especially that last part where you said something about how it hadn’t been that bad. That is just plain crazy, the rest though, maybe not so much crazy. If we can at least get to the conclusion, the adoption conclusion with our foster son, then maybe I can go down this path again. I don’t know what will happen if he leaves, I just can’t tell you now what that will mean for this family.
So why would I consider it? You don’t have to go back very far through the posts in this blog before you realize that I have nothing good to say about foster care. Maybe it’s that you get used to the pain or maybe it becomes a part of the experience. How would we know the absolute joy of being with our foster son without having the depth of emotional drama and pain that we experience with the possibility of losing him? Okay maybe that is just my own craziness. For better or worse (I haven’t figured out which), two other couples that we know very well, even after having been with us through the dark times of this experience, have bravely stepped up to the foster care plate. One couple has taken in three kids. I think they are amazing for it. Another has been recently licensed and is awaiting placement. Then you look at the comments from stop me before I think again and there are parents who have lived through the horrors of this system, yet they are considering foster care again. Why are these people going back for more? Why do people venture into these waters knowing full well that there is nothing at all sweet or calm about them?
We all have our pain thresholds. The pain—the open-wound, kick you in the gut, roll on the floor in agony kind of emotion—maybe you just learn to live with it. Perhaps as foster parents we statistically are predisposed to higher pain thresholds. Or maybe we develop a tolerance for higher and higher pain levels as we pass through the emotional rollercoaster of this process. I can honestly say that my tolerance has changed and I am probably better equipped to manage pain than your average “joe” parent. So, we all have this higher tolerance for emotional pain and thus continue to be foster parents–why, because we can? That only seems to answer the how, not the why.
We got into this in the hopes that we would adopt a child, and though we knew our role as foster parents, I’m not sure I understood its true meaning. I discovered over time that what we were being asked to do is to help in the process of reuniting a family. As foster-to-adopt parents, I think if I had really understood how this all worked I’m not sure I would have chosen this path. Eventually we assumed the role because, well, by then it was too late. We recognized the full weight of what it meant to be foster parents when back in August it seemed certain that he would go back. We committed ourselves to do whatever we could to help with the transition of our son back to his parents. What you begin to realize through all of this is that you may be asked to do things you never imagined yourself being able to do. In spite of ourselves and our desire to build a family we were forced to grow and stretch and become this strange breed of parent, the foster parent—that alien race of parents who would pour themselves out completely on their foster kids, knowing full well that one day in the future, suddenly, a social worker may appear at your door to take them away…..forever. It sounds crazy, we sound crazy. I can’t tell you why anyone would want to ever do this. Maybe one of you other alien foster parents can tell me why. Why do we do this?
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June 3, 2009 at 10:58 am
Knot
Well, I’m not one of the aliens. I couldn’t do it again after the first and only loss. Throughout the process though, as hard as it was, we joked that they had to make it as painful as actual child birth. That way, in the end, you’d know how hard you worked to have your kid(s)!
Juan, your description of the process is dead on – what I call the “back-door draft” into foster parenting. You go into it as honestly as possible – tell them over and over you’re in it to adopt. They tell you anything you want to hear to get you in the door. And, by the time you realize what it’s really about, it’s much, much too late. You’ve committed yourself to the child and the process without realizing it.
About the time we figured out that we had really been recruited to reunify our girl with her mother, and that every free moment of our lives (and then some – how many of hours of work did I miss for meetings, appointments, visitations) was being dictated by a 17-year old girl, we went through a period of time where we tried to revolt. But, that only ended in more stress and heartache, and threats of removing the child from our home. We eventually accepted it for what it was, but that acceptance didn’t take away the raw emotion and the pain of saying goodbye. The judge’s comments at the final court hearing, commending us for our commitment to her was like winning the consolation prize – something they give out so everyone gets “something”.
I do think that fostering is a totally different thing from adoption, and somehow they truly need to separate the two. It seems to me that it’s a conflict of interest. Even now, I find myself in the awkward position of secretly hoping that she’ll be brought back into the system so we can have her back – even though that would mean something terrible happened to her, which I definitely don’t want. It’s a tough position to be in.
For all of those out there who start out with the intention to adopt and end up being foster parents, and continue to do it – my hats off to you. Why do you do it? Well, it’s certainly not because you enjoy the process. It’s not because those DSS personnel are such congenial folks. It’s not for the pittance of a subsidy that you get (or don’t get, as the case may be these days). It’s not because you have all the time and energy in the world to be at every meeting, appointment, court date and visit. It’s not because you enjoy being treated like dirt by social services, just because you had the idea that you wanted to help someone.
No, it’s because of the children. You do it for the kids. Because for every child in your home that might be returned to a birth family, there are just that many more that need you. In the end, it’s all for the kids.
I admire everyone out there who has it in them to continue, especially after suffering a loss like we have. You have my respect for that. I just couldn’t do it again.
June 3, 2009 at 11:27 am
Yondalla
I’m often nervous about asking certain questions, because tone doesn’t come through well on the Internet and I amy sound rude when I really don’t want to, but I’m going to take the risk.
How the hell could you become a foster parent and not know that the primary goal for every single child was ruinification? The system at its best exists to help families in crisis. Foster care was intended to be temporary.
I know the system bites in a gazillion ways. I know that it is painful and frustrating. I know that foster parents are often treated less like shit and more like … they don’t actually exist. Our needs, desires, and perspectives are not relevant to them. They system regards us as cheap babysitters. It is frustrating as hell to try to get the kids what they neeed. I totally understand why people don’t want to have anything about it.
I don’t understand how anyone can get become a foster parent and not understand that the goal is reunification. You HAD to know that that was the goal of the system in general, right?
Did they flat out lie to you about your son?
June 3, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Nichole
foster parents: they do it to love, provide, protect, and teach
even if they are only in your life for a short period of time they will impact your life and you will impact their’s
reunification is always the goal, but in instances when it doesn’t happen you will end up with a child that you know well and have grown to love
June 3, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Dan in WI
Even as reunification remains the primary goal, when a concurrent plan (foster-adopt) is part of the permanency plan, it is difficult to figure out how to manage that for both the foster parents and the kids (especially if they are old enough follow what’s going on).
I think it’s also more complicated for those of us who haven’t already raised children (where’s that parenting manual?!), and those of us who have thought that this was the best way to form a family.
We were reminded repeatedly, and reminded ourselves, that county foster care is not an adoption agency. We didn’t demand to see books of children–we took what placements were suggested. That said, there were a number of children with no family member stepping up the plate, in situations where efforts toward reunification seemed to be merely a legal requirement but not one that was expected by anyone to be resolved.
I’ve run into some friends who had been foster parents prior to my acquaintance with them, who did so “just” to be foster parents. One wanted to mentor teenage girls. Another wanted to have babies to rock (but not raise!).
I can totally see being foster parents repeatedly, and I could see us doing that if we had that expectation. Concurrent planning makes it more complicated, though.
June 8, 2009 at 12:37 pm
jdoh
I agree – the system is in need of major reform and I think concurrent planning is, for the most part, a terrible idea (even when we are currently considered “Plan B”.) And, I feel sad for the foster parents who aren’t told the absolute truth about what they are getting into. For us, the goal has always been made clear or at least as clear as it can be… I know there are some dreadful social workers out there, but I also know that there are some really good ones, who agree with the sentiments expressed here. The good ones don’t want these kids to suffer. That’s why they are drawn to the field. Unfortunately, the law doesn’t allow for a child-centered plan.
I have cried countless tears, had lots of sleepless nights and prayed to every divine source I could think of (and imagine), since we met our foster child. Without us, who knows where she would be. Not all foster parents have the care and concern reflected in this blog.
I do this every day because she needs a constant to love and care for her so that she can accept and give love in the future. It’s what she deserves.
If someday soon, she is removed from our home, I will be an absolute mess. Scarily so, I am afraid. But, she will be better off in the long run to have experienced our love and that is what is most important to me. Isn’t that what parenting (of any kind) is about?
June 9, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Kristine
I am in agreement that there needs to be major reform.
Of course we knew that there was always a chance that a child will be reunified with their parent. We were told that our son’s placement was “low-risk”, meaning that termination of parental rights was close, and there was little chance that reunification would occur. Of course, one doesn’t know how to anticipate if/when any other relatives will come forward to show interest, as happened in our case.
When I think about doing this all over again, my first thought is for the kids. I think that we can offer them something to help them grow and develop, and like jdoh, if our son is removed from us I will be a total and complete mess, but I think he will be better off from his time with us.