Not more than 20 minutes ago, I had what I’m sure was a moment of pure insanity. And now, as I sit here trying to quickly type this entry, Juan is looking at me like I have completely lost my mind. In a desperate attempt to shut me off, he just clicked the ceiling fan remote control in my direction.
You see, I was loading up the fridge with the leftovers of tonight’s pancake dinner when the refrigerator thermometer fell from its place in the butter compartment. We bought the thermometer about 2 years ago to satisfy one of the requirements for our home study. As I put it back, I had a flashback to those early days of hope and excitement – the warm wishes from friends when we told them of our plans to start a family, our journey into the world of baby/family oriented yard sales, the drive to dc to pick up a free crib from another gay dad and complete stranger.
Maybe all that warmandfuzziness clouded my thinking, because for a moment I thought, “I could do this again. I could be a foster parent again. It hasn’t been that bad”.
I know what’s going on of course. I’m letting my guard down and getting, as T would say, “cumpeekohzee”. This happens every now and then, usually when I get in a groove and forget about DSS. I’m able to block out the feeling that DSS is practically hiding in our closet, waiting to leap out and shout “Boo!”
The foster-again thought is a little premature given that we haven’t come to closure with the current situation. In spite of the new direction of the last hearing’s outcome, there is no guarantee that T is staying. And if he does go back, I can guarantee that fostering-to-adopt will be the farthest thing from my mind.
But what if he stays? Now that we know what to expect from ourselves, from DSS and from the process, maybe it would all be easier next time around?
Is that crazy?
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May 22, 2009 at 8:46 am
Cyndi
You absolutely aren’t crazy! Well, if you are – then I am too. We are finally going to be able to adopt our foster kids (3 of them) and even though I am so tired of living under a microscope, I’m thinking about #4. In two years, we’ve gone through 15 caseworkers, 4 court cases, appeals being heard, appeals being denied and through all this – the kids trying to learn to be part of a family when they aren’t even sure they get to keep the family.
And still – after all this – I still want another little girl. My husband thinks I’m nuts and I’m pretty sure he may be right. I just don’t know what I’ll do when I don’t have to constantly prove myself to people that I can handle this. What about the monthly reports? Incident reports? The 500 pieces of paperwork and the letters to the court? What happens when I don’t have that to focus on?
The obvious answer is to enjoy the kids, but I think that scares me more than the paperwork. LOL Soon, dh and I will be solely responsible for the social outcome of these little people. That’s enough to make me want to invite the caseworkers back so I can at least have an hour a month of someone telling me that I’m up to their standards.
May 22, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Darrow
Wow. 3 kids and possibly a 4th! I think you might take the crazy-prize.
Seriously, congratulations on your coming adoption and thank you for taking those kids into your home and loving them. I’m also not sure what I’d be like without social services around. But I’m looking forward to finding out!
May 22, 2009 at 2:05 pm
jdoh
Boy, does this entry strike a chord?!? We are approaching the 1 year anniversary of meeting our foster daughter and, I was recently reminiscing about all of the preparation… painting her room (a neutral color, in case, she gets replaced by a male foster child at some point), receiving gifts and well wishes from friends, reading endless amounts of parenting articles, books, etc… how exciting!
My husband tells me that even though our daughter’s fate is in limbo he would do this again w/o hesitation. I am not so sure, but must admit that it would be a lot easier to consider, if our girl stays put.
May 26, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Nichole
I don’t think you crazy at all. If T stays he will need siblings and now you have experience to help you cope with the ups and downs.
May 26, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Darrow
Well, I haven’t stopped thinking…and maybe I knew that would happen once I actually said aloud what was going on in my head.
jdoh: your comments and your husband’s thoughts struck a chord here as well.
Nichole: One thing I’m realizing is that this experience – as difficult as it has been – is a very valuable one. There would most likely be less fear and trepidation if there were a next time.
May 26, 2009 at 5:13 pm
Kristine
Oh you are not alone. We haven’t seen the conclusion of our journey with J, but I, too, am imagining doing this all over again. Why, why,why? Because despite all the “down”, the “ups” with J are so, so wonderful. I am so glad that you were brave enough to write it! I talk about it with friends and they look at me like I’m crazy to want to do it all over again…
May 27, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Knot
Well, coming from a couple that lost “our” girl back to the system and her abusive parent, I have to say that from this perspective, it’s very hard to imagine putting myself back in it again. I understand the temptation…I have that too. And sometimes I think that doing it again might help me with my grief – that maybe P left because there was someone else that needed our help.
It’s funny you mentioning reminiscing about the beginning excitement and preparations. I was doing that this weekend myself, as I was packing up her things for the final garage sale this weekend. This time, it’s me that is selling off her things, instead of being the one looking for bargains. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do – go through her things and decide what to keep as a “memory” and what to get rid of. The keepers are the only things we have left of her. No news. No more pictures. Forever etched in our minds as the little toddler we last saw the day the caseworker pried her out of our arms for the final time. That day we said goodbye.
I know people continue on, but we will not. My partner cannot even consider it. We’ve had two calls since she’s been gone, asking if we’d take in another. It was hard to say no, but we had to. DSS acts like you can change family members like you can change clothes. No, for us — it was HER that we loved. We can’t replace her with another. We want HER back.
As I went through her clothing and toys this weekend, it was a trip down memory lane. And then, the anger sets in. Anger over what they did to us – the lies they fed us to give us hope. Anger mostly at what they did to her. Nothing changed in her mother’s environment from the time they took her. Nothing. Yet they sent her home anyway. We feel used and abused by DSS. And on that principle alone, we will not be helping another child. Our idea of help and DSS’ idea of help are two entirely different things.
May 28, 2009 at 10:00 am
Darrow
Knot, your anger and hurt practically leap off the screen. I know it doesn’t help much to hear, but it saddens me to know that your family is in so much pain. Despite what we’ve been through, I can say that I’m not able to fully imagine or understand what your hearts and minds must feel like right now.
Best wishes to you.
May 29, 2009 at 11:50 am
Knot
Darrow,
I hope you never do know.
It’s what keeps bringing me back to your blog. I have hope for you two, and I really want you to get through the other side without having to experience this kind of loss.